One of the more common complaints I’ve been hearing this past year is, “Why do all my relationships end like this! Why can’t just find someone decent for a change!” etc… I wonder if it has occurred to these people that unless you find the “one true love” thingy (assuming you believe it exists of course), ALL RELATIONSHIPS END, and usually in ending, they end BADLY. That is, of course, unless it was a shallow one and the separation doesn’t affect you. Those relationships which are the most intense usually end worse, more violently, and more painfully. To know great emotion, one must know great vulnerability. The more you love someone, the more it hurts when it ends. You can’t have one without the other since these two concept define each other. In the end though, statistically you’re fucked since EVERY relationship you have WILL fail unless it’s that utopian one that we all strive for (some of us anyway).

Something else, don’t feed me that “I’m going to protect myself better from now on” bullshit. Love is a beautiful thing which invariably must end. Bask in the glory of it, and make the most of the moment rather than trying to martyrise yourself like some over romantic drama queen.

True romance is not about suffering. It’s not about self imposed pain. It’s about being able to find beauty in all things, and loving it. It’s about being able to more fully embrace all emotion, both positive and negative (people place waaay to much emphasis on the negative).

That is all for now.

The thing that bugs me about strip clubs is that when I’m inside one, I can’t help but judge everyone around me and feel like everyone is judging me. Naturally for the sake of political correctness I try to treat everyone as individuals, I talk to the strippers, try and humanize them a little so that I don’t feel like I’m just groping random meat. I’m probably going about things the wrong way. I once asked a stripper if she enjoyed her job and she went on a five minute rant about how bad it was. I walked away feeling sorry for her, and a little disgusted at myself when I was clearly courteous, perhaps even friendly. Every now and then though, (maybe a couple of years or so), I feel the need to go back and remind myself why places like that bother me so much, and virtually every time I walk out with these startling realizations which I had reached only a few years prior. The first one is that trying to humanize a stripper makes me feel dirty. The second one is that if I am judging all the ugly guys around me as “pathetic” then I am probably also pathetic, not because I think I’m ugly, but because I’m at the same level as everyone else. Today I also reached the conclusion that the stripper probably also bundle me into that pathetic category, and that really bothers me. These women are ordinary girls, most of them in school, with hopes and dreams, and personalities. They have opinions, and egos. Some of them have crazy self esteem problems, and those who don’t probably have strong egos, not by virtue of being strippers, buy by virtue of having to do rounds and asking random guys if they want table dances. I’m sure that has to affect you in some way, walking around trying to sell yourself (Ha, wait until I hit the job market. I haven’t begun to sell myself yet). The few strippers I’ve asked say they really hate it. I also never found a single one who enjoys her job, and I’m sure that if I did find one, there is a decent chance that she is lying.

I think the worst part is how hard I am on myself. I could probably get over some random person categorizing me without giving me a chance to prove myself. However when one judges oneself, that is the hardest thing to face. Through the looking glass is man’s greatest enemy, and most vital tool to self betterment. Let’s see what happens in a year or two.