I haven’t ranted in awhile, but I have some stuff I’ve figured out recently.

Observation 1.

I managed to score a really good job, and all indications are that things are going well. I am deliriously happy about this fact, and for a short time, things couldn’t have been better. But then my usual old self set in, and I started focusing hard on getting good at what I do. As this happen all the seemingly mundane worries and unhappiness returned.

Then it hits me. I’m not nearly proud enough. My friends will laugh for I deliberately come off an super arrogant simply cause I think its hilarious, and anyone with a sense of humor will agree that more often than not, I pull it off fairly well. This, however is a façade, and all will know that I’m not really taking that side of my personality seriously.

Maybe I should!

I’m so obsessed with trying to become a better person that I often forget to give myself credit because I take my accomplishments for granted. How can someone, anyone, be happy with themselves if they are always focused on the next challenge, and never take the time to bask in the glory of what they have managed to do?

Recently, I’ve been learning how to write informative articles in the form of news. I’ve never had any formal training in writing, and prior to taking this job, my only experience were these very same creative explorations which have formed the backbone of my writing style. This time however it is not sufficient to spill my guts on the keyboard with some pretext of eloquisims.

Getting back to the point, I confided to one of my coworkers that I am dissatisfied with my weakness in business writing, and am working hard to improve it. She thinks my stuff is good, and getting better. She offers plenty of encouragement, but whenever I feel like I’ve screwed up, I become obsessed with my failures and freak out about how I mustn’t repeat the same mistake. On bad days I make the same mistakes multiple times and the whole card castle disintegrates before me.

However it’s come to my attention that perhaps I’m being too hard on myself. Looking subjectively that seems to be the case. Even worse is the realization that I cannot pride myself in my work because I never give myself the luxury of basking in the glory of my accomplishment and walking away with a sense of pride because when I don’t screw up, or when I do in fact merely do a good job, I don’t reward myself or clap myself on the back. Instead I focus on my next weakness and feverishly work on how I’m going to resolve the next challenge.

My quest for perfection depresses me, especially when trying to defeat those small self- sabotaging destructive indulgences which everyone allows themselves from one degree or another.


Observation 2.

I’ve been reflecting on those personal realizations which we all undergo as we progress through this existence, most particularly the life changing ones. Everyone has many of these life-shaping experiences which inevitably shift the direction which they take.

Looking back on my own brushes with destiny, it occurred to me that many of the most profound realizations were actually quite simple and sensible to begin with.

Those who know me know that in the last several months I’ve been obsessed with masculine literature and the quest to bring out the man in me. This was another ground-breaking realization I had hit earlier last year. Having embarked on the quest to embrace my new found manliness, I began drinking more, eating hot-sauce, making off color jokes which anyone with a sense of humor and a brain would find funny.

I know that this exploration of myself was a direct back-lash of my not being happy with my ability to appear sexy to women. I naturally concluded that certain behavioral patterns of my personality lean to the wet noodle persona. Traditionally I have been the shoulder, the good friend, the confidant, the cry baby. Not satisfied with that role I decided to change a bit.

Perhaps I jumped to the opposite extreme because in the past year or so my level of nookie hasn’t appreciatively improved and I’ve turned more into an obnoxious drunk when I whip out this facet of my personality.

Then it hits me. Drunk is not sexy. Not even on women. Wow. It may make the world beautiful, and cause you to consider doing people you’d never give a second glance (or frightened look) to. Bottom line, women don’t dig drunks! Wow.

Another example I will use my physique. Many know that in the past seven months or so I’ve radically changed my eating habits and exercise patterns. In this space of time I’ve lost an awful load of weight and brought my blood pressure down to reasonable levels. This move was a direct result of finally realizing that I wasn’t happy with the way I was. Sounds kind of stupid, but I’ve been moping about my obesity for years, and all of a sudden it hits me. Do something about it. Wow!

I was talking to an old buddy of mine who back in the day tried to convince me to take better care of myself. Him and another friend spent years trying to drill the logic in my brain. When that didn’t work they tried my self-esteem, but obviously that back-fired. Then all of a sudden, years later it hits me.

Isn’t it odd that as simple as these life changing relations are, they take an eternity to learn and they are so personal that in many cases even your friends cannot show you the logic until you are ready to receive it?

Man is weird. Unless of course it’s just me.