Several years back when I was a wee lad an important decision presented itself to me which had to be resolved. Up to that point I had been an earnest student of the computer sciences, and the resolution of problems using programming. I had studied several low level computer languages, and even use my skills from time to time to resolve minor issues which occurred in daily life. I was the local computer geek that everyone knew to solve their problems and naturally, I migrated towards other nerds in an attempt to find common ground. I made many friends most of which I lost eventually, but I was, and still am, a member of an exclusive group of people who spent lots of time surfing the worlds of the BBS (pre-internet file sharing) and the beginnings of the popularization of the computer. I saw the internet come into private use almost a year before it actually took off. I even helped set it up at the school I studied at when I was living in the states.

And so naturally the nature of this big decision of which I was referring to, before digressing, was weather or not to pursue my hobby into the realm of the career. I new the science fairly well, enjoyed resolving problems, and was computer literate enough to score the odd job as a local computer geek, slacking off playing games, overwhelming the curious with enough jargon to cover my ass. But there were so many of us out there, and so many more entering the domain. I started believing that perhaps there would be too many of us eventually, and that the online advertising industry was way more hyped up than it really was. For these reasons, and the great frustration I felt whenever I came across a problem I couldn’t solve, I decided that a better future was in store for me if I kept my hobby a hobby. I proceeded more towards something different. I think I was the only one back then in my group of friend who diverged, and I chose to take French literature over computer science. I told them that by graduation time there would be too many computer guys out there, and that we would have to spend the rest of our lives being updated with the technology, constantly relearning, always pushing to stay ahead of the obsolete. Too much competition. Even then I thought like an economist.

I’d say a made the right decision after seeing how the world turned out. I am somewhat smug at the accuracy of my predictions. On the other hand life has slapped me in the face seeing as I’ve spent the last several weeks, and will be spending the next several more, working on some econometric regressions using programming languages. I’m staring at statistics, ones and zeroes mostly, and the irony of the situation is almost too funny for me to ignore. Some things never change.

Debugging still gives me headaches.

I am a man who is perpetually ashamed of the past. The present and future always represent the opportunity for self improvement and re-evaluation of one’s own self worth, confidence, direction, understanding, satisfaction, goals, morals, attitudes, accomplishments, the list goes on and on. As a result of this never-ending quest for perfection, I never manage to look at my past fondly. Every time I go back to the way things were, I always scoff and laugh at how stupid I was, how ignorant, and most importantly how far I’ve come since. I never manage to look upon them as the good ol days anymore only because I am currently obsessed with achieving something greater than that which I was.

This phenomena has made me very bitter in many respects. including towards the people in my past. I have had a dynamic life, moving around perpetually from one place to another, and as a result of this, every new change was an opportunity to change something, and to become a better person. I embraced each and every one to the fullest, but the result was that I have come to dislike and disregard the people which I so loved in my past. I come to realize that with very few exceptions I not only do not stay in touch with people, but also end up sometimes disliking them not for who they are, but because they represent something of the weaker person I once was. This unfair judgment has only recently come to my attention, and I am realizing that it is not fair what I have done. I am ashamed of this even as I am proud of who I am at this very instant.

I doubt that any of these people are reading this but if they are I’m sorry. There, I said it. However in spite of this I am not prepared to go back, tracking people down for the sake of doing it. My mind and heart and soul are content with my current circle. I am hopelessly in love with the people who surround me right now, and have been for quite some time now. I believe that my settling down is beginning to bring about a new era of understanding and self-betterment which I was unable to achieve in my perpetual movement. To try and go back in time would upset the balance which I have built. In the future I will try and live my life without regrets.

Life has brought me to a point of delirious happiness and extreme angst. The two are unrelated. I am at the same time full of hope and frightened to death. I am dreamy eyed and paranoid simultaneously. The two things are unrelated, but I wonder at how one can feel emotions of opposite extremes at the same time. True there is a fine line between love and hate. True extreme happiness can make one cry, and reflect on one’s inner faults. However this is generally due to one event at a time. Two events generating the opposite effects don’t cancel each other out. They push sanity to its limits. Welcome to midterms. Time is on my side. Soon the negative will end for better or for worse. It’s looking like the good is here to stay for at least a little while longer. I’m becoming more and more cheesy every day. I can’t stop grinning unless I’m trying to prove asymptotic normality of an ordinary least squares estimator, and even then. I am foolish, soppy, hopelessly retarded. I feel great.