I’m feeling nostalgic for my old life in the US these days. Exploring this rather unexpected shift given my anti-americaness and strong canadianwannabeness, I’ve been exploring the web site of my former high school. These feelings are sparked simultaneously from a recent trip to Venezuela where I saw one of my closest friends, and a recent visit from the first dude to befriend me in my old US high school.

I was quite the uber-dork back in the day. I shudder at some of the things I did, and how I thought they were cool back then. More than that, I cringe at how delightfully lame I was. I remember realizing my lameness when I hit around fifteen years of age, and set out to change my image. Sadly it was hard so I used the opportunity when I moved to Zimbabwe to get a fresh start, which I did. Several years later, and after experimenting with some things I’m not completely proud of, I am the proud shinning self-unemployed person I am.

Back in the days of my uber-dork phase I was infatuated with a female who I had known for quite some time. Eventually I worked up the balls to ask her out on one date, which really didn’t work out the way I had planned due to the uber-dork in me. My violent shift in abode left me unable to contact her. I believe the last time I saw her I kept the conversation superficial and simple for fear of making a genuine fool of myself. In retrospect this was probably a wise move. But as all people are prone to do, and because man is stupid and masochistic, whenever we get a bit down, or violently breakup, etc… one is prone to thinking of the past once again.

And then god gave us Google. Google is a wonderful thing cause it lets you put virtually any word, phrase, anything, and spit out results. So I found the female in question. She evolved in a much different way than I would ever have anticipated, in some ways interesting, in some ways not. It’s odd to me how people do that. Here I’ve had this happy and yet sad memory of someone long gone from my life, and watching them change into something completely opposite from what I had imagined is a strange sensation.

People often wonder what might have been when they lose a loved one to death. Since people cease to exist in your life after you move on, there is a similarity between actual death and falling out of touch with someone. When someone I knew, but wasn’t close to dies, it is a similar sensation to when someone who you were once close to, but eventually grew apart from and never saw again. Number 65 would say that people only exist when they know him. Then again he also thinks the universe revolves around him, although in spite of his mathematical endeavors he has yet to be able to prove this fact.

There once was a man who loved his wife very much. One day, she died, and a demon came to him saying that his wife could be restored to him in exchange for his soul upon his deathbed. The man so in love, so broken by his loss, accepted, and the deal was sealed. There was but one minor condition. The man could never let his wife know of the deal, and the truth forever kept from her. The man was returned to his wife and they were happy… for a time. Then one day, as most great adventures of our lives, the man and the woman grew so far apart that they could not stand being together anymore. It wasn’t that either was a bad person, but as life happens, we can but move with the current, or fight with futility as the tide drags us. The woman left the man, and eventually found happiness herself. She remarried and lived happily ever after never knowing the sacrifice of her first husband. The man realizing his mistake knew pain like none other, for not even in suicide would he be released from his torment. He repented and begged the Lord for forgiveness for tampering with the natural course of things…

Suddenly the man awoke violently and suddenly, trembling uncontrollably, and sweating violently. Shaking off the remnants of his slumber, he tried in vain to grasp the vestiges of that which had been but a vague memory or dream. And suddenly he knew great sorrow as he turned towards the empty spot in his bed and remembered that his wife was perished three days earlier.

Eventually he accepted his loss, and found happiness once again. He never completely remembered the occurrence, but he did know that whatever he had seen in his sleep on the second night had helped him recover. Many demons came to the man in attempts to find some grip upon which to drag him into darkness, but never did they succeed.
Needless to say I did not contact the girl. I don’t really have anything to say to her, and frankly I don’t know what she would have to say to me. Perhaps I will let the dead sleep.


EDIT: Number 65 insists that I point out that I misinterpreted his philosophy. In fact he is of the opinion that no one exists unless he actually perceives them either physically or in some other form. I therefore correct my earlier statement. I'm surprised anyone read this shit in the first place, therefore making a correction at someone else's bequest is a happy moment indeed.