‘Tears’, Django Reinhardt. a most excellent song, and one that I have begun an obsession with. I have reached the opinion that the best love songs are sung without words, but with soul. The human languages are not meat to describe complex emotions. A scream can relate true anguish, laughter can capture true joy, madness, anger. Words do not do them justice. I have heard music that does. It’s beautiful.

Back in line with the quest of self-improvement, I discovered recently through the excessive playing of videogames that self-esteem is better built whilst doing physical actives, and not necessarily by sitting for 10 hour chunks in front of a computer screen. In fact it, actually took me about three days to come to this realization, although I suspect that deep down, I knew it from the beginning.

The first step in building self-esteem starts with learning to love oneself. This means taking care of your body and hygiene. I am attempting to shower more regularly. I have decided to keep my facial hair relatively neat and trimmed. I am attempting to make myself smell good. I’m also trying to add to my limited wardrobe which is aimed more at comfort than style right now.

However the main issue comes with exercise. I am one of those people who is not only unsatisfied with the way that I look, but also of the opinion that my dissatisfaction can be cured. I am fully convinced that a physically attractive person lies beneath my lard. This may or may not be true, but the important thing is that I think this about myself regardless of other people’s opinions. Since I stand only to better myself, and my health, by losing a few pound I will do this, not for anyone else other than myself. This is the first time in my life that I have consciously decided to lose weight and exercise more from my own desire rather than a desire to impress someone or for someone else’s sake. I should also mention that there is something incredibly satisfying in working out. There are also all sort of positive advantages. This time I do it for me, not to impress, not to pickup chicks, not at the urging of the people around me.

Yesterday I played a hard game of badminton. It felt great. My ass is sore. Tomorrow night I think I’ll go swimming. I am one step closer to happiness. It may be that I am too concerned with esthetic things, but if that is what is bothering me for the time being it should be addressed. I am not satisfied. Satisfaction is within reach. It’s just a simple matter of gritting your teeth and going for it. It’s like quitting smoking. I used to tell people for years when I smoked that I did it because I liked it, and because I didn’t want to quit. I quit several times, mostly for other people at first, eventually for myself. I started again because people tend to become self destructive when they are depressed, and depressed I have been in the past. But as with all things, wallowing in self- worthlessness does indeed get boring and unfulfilling. I think I’m in the mood to try this positive outlook on life thing now, see where it takes me.

Our story begins much as can be expected. One as an exercise, another from no apparent desire to commence anything constructive. They did not know weather or not they had ever wanted to come to this place, but somehow they did all eventually end up here. It was the way of things. And people do things the way they were intended to be done. Not necessarily from a sober aspect, but perhaps from the influence of creativity. One had once made a deal with a buddy that he would never be able to produce work of any quality whilst he was not himself. But he maybe was wrong. But I digress.

Our story begins on the first day which was a day which would be etched forever in their minds. They had anticipated these very moments for a long time, revising every second a different scenario for how the following hours would unfold, and now that they had finally reached the critical point, it seemed somehow less fun, too real.

The instructor walked into the room amidst a buzz of activity of people getting to know one another eagerly. It was not his course they were interested in, but more to meet the people they would be spending time with, calling friends, gossiping about, maybe even having sex with, both worthwhile and meaningless. It was an exciting time which was broken only by the voice of the instructor beginning to introduce himself and his class. They settled down after the first sentence or two, and for a moment they realized what they were really supposed to be here for. Notepads and pens, were conjured. The talent show had begun.

The first lectured turned out to be quite a boring ordeal offering nothing but promises of hard work yet to come. But then again hard work bred good study groups, and this is what some of them had set out to do that day. It was finally time to select those few who they would be spending a short portion of their lives with. In time, an informal selection process would be made, some would gravitate, others would leave, but within the end of the month those remaining together would stay that way for the next two years.
And that is how it all began.

Remembering a few weeks ago it was a Saturday night, and we were out drinking. It was one day off from Halloween, but for us, the festivities had already ended after a terrific and disastrous party at my place on Friday night. Halloween had not yet come, but in out minds it was over, and we were ok with that as we waded through the streets amidst all the people dressed up. The interesting thing about a Sunday Halloween is that it lasts 3 days. By day 2 we were we had it out of our systems, and closure was achieved. And so not wanting to miss the remainder of the festivities, we went for a drink on Crescent Street, dressed up as ourselves for a change. We ended up, I believe, in Brutopia accompanied by some music which couldn’t have been exceptional seeing as I don’t remember it. When I say exceptional I mean it both ways, as in exceptionally good or exceptionally bad. I must also say that in Bru’s defense, the music is almost always excellent, and so exceptional music over there means not only good but really good. I digress. The evening’s conversation is irrelevant seeing, as I do not remember it well, but I do recall thinking to myself that it was a shame seeing everyone all dressed up whilst we had kinda lost the groove and reverted to the usual. Upon exiting the bar we began our trek towards Number 65’s place seeing as he and his companions live within walking distance. I followed along anticipating a cab ride home, the public transportation having stopped long ago. Just a few short steps out of the bar, the following conversation took place between myself, Number 65, and some aged blond chick dressed in a Superwoman outfit.

Superwoman: “Hey you guys seem like a decent bunch; lemme ask you something.”
She proceeds to bend over, lift up her cape and display the contours of her ass held together by her skin-tight Superwoman outfit.

Superwoman: “Do these earrings make my ass look fat?”

Me: “Ummm well, uhhh.”

Number 65: “Yeah a little bit.”

Superwoman’s face assumes a look of disbelief and anger. She recovers swiftly and stomps off angrily muttering obscenities under her breath.

Me: “Number 65 dude, you are my hero.”

This all goes to show that there are some things in this world money can buy, for everything else there is schadenfreude.

If one who wanted things to happen
Played dead in the garden of Eden,
Would it be fair to presume
That all the world’s a stage?

If one thinking wishing world,
Believing would destroy,
The thing the very air we breath,
The sacred soul of greed.

Is it pricy cheap perfume,
Which makes me so distraught?
Mayhaps it is the stick it must,
Merry laugh eternal thrust.

Is it that impossible,
To give your all in life?
To live and learn and love again,
To lavish in the strife?

What earthlier happy is the rose,
What earthlier sad is Darwin’s man,
What earthlier pathetic is the life,
Of one who spends his time in coffee houses,
Whispering gentle words,
Absorbing the noxious fumes,
Seeing visions of Xanadu,
Writing word which lost upon the souls of man,
Feeding sensations immortal,
Gently filling up the portal,
Fisting futility for fun,
And basking in the eternal glory
Of rampant evangelism.

There is a fine line between desire and madness,
There is a space between divide,
There dwells inside a twistedness,
There lives within a lie.

They say the world will end in fire,
Others end in smoke.
“Agreed,” said I,
“I wont’t deny,
My poetry’s a joke.”

A couple of days ago I was out with some of friends and as usual, the subject matter turned towards relationships. This is a topic of conversation which I have hesitated a great deal to write about because my philosophies about the opposite sex are hardly set in stone and are in perpetual rapid evolution along with myself. However this was proposed to me and has been running through my mind the last couple of days. Since this is technically a journal I wish to share my thoughts on the subject.

So we are eating sushi one night and of course the topic of conversation gravitates towards one’s attitude vs. relationships, love friendship, the works. More precisely we began to focus on dependence on your significant other, which is a phenomena which occurs quite regularly if not constantly. This friend of mine in question explains that good relationships entail not dependence on the person, but just loving the person for who they are. To begin with, this is something I do not completely agree upon, but she does make the interesting and true point that when you need someone and become dependent on them, you might actually love they way they make you feel and not necessarily having them, in particular, as a human being. It’s really the next point that she made which made me think, however. In order to truly love someone you need to love yourself enough so that your self esteem does not become all caught up with the relationship. This makes a certain amount of sense to me, and yet I hadn’t thought about it before. Everyone has some kind of self esteem problem or another. This is something we perpetually try and battle against, but when you are in a relationship where someone else is making you feel good about yourself, you go to the top of the world and nothing can touch your happiness… until it fails, and when it fails, you fall hard. Wouldn’t it be easier to recover, armed with the confidence that you are proud of who and what you are regardless of other people? Would it make your love with your significant other stronger, knowing that you are in the relationship because you like the person and not because you need them? But let us not exaggerate, for there does exist and extreme to this. Friendship is a necessary dependence because, like it or not, happiness is virtually impossible without some form of human contact. It is in man’s nature to depend on others to a certain extent for the weight of reality is heavy indeed. I’d sooner put a bullet through my skull than give-up friendship forever. Is this because I depend of my friends? Yes I do. Is it wrong? No. But then friends are less likely to hurt your feelings than a significant other. So the ever so popular theory kicks in again and proves itself most likely true. The answer lies not at the extremes, but in the middle. We are not meant for solitude. Our minds are not really equipped to build and provide self esteem without the help of others. However relying too much on people is detrimental because you get hurt when the people who provide it fail you, and they will fail you because man is imperfect. I believe I will try and change my life such that I can find this imperfect balance, for I have always relied entirely too much on other human beings to fuel my self worth. I should love because I want to love, not because I need it to be happy. I should want to be with friends because I want to, and not because they make me feel special. I’m not saying that it’s bad. I’m saying that maybe I rely on it too much. Wholeness should be personal. I will try to make this happen for myself.

My 1000th hit since I started writing is comming up. Thanx for the support.

I believe that people have intentions, sometimes good sometimes bad, but despite all the evil in the world I do believe that man has more good intentions than bad ones, even though sometimes his means of achieving his intentions are not the very best. I believe that all people including those who are bad, are capable of laughter, love, and sometimes even innocence. I believe that sensitivity and vulnerability are beautiful things, however should not be taken to the “whinny little bitch” extent. I believe that mastery of one’s emotions is a good thing, but should not be taken to the extent of suppression of all emotion. I believe that one must first lower their defenses to be capable of loving, but that such a move also makes you more susceptible to attacks. I believe that one must learn to be comfortable with one’s self in order to be able to truly love someone without becoming dependent on them. I believe that one should not rely solely on one’s self, for there is always wisdom in the words of a second opinion. I believe that true love happens weather or not you are looking for it. I believe that it is important to overcome your fears and go for things. I believe that it is important not to force something to happen just for the sake of doing it, but rather because you want to do it. I believe that man is a complex beast who does not know what he wants. I believe that inherently we all have some notion of what makes us happy. I believe that one can learn a about one’s self by trying new things, and that people can show you things you never new you liked. I believe that there are limitations in what should be attempted, and that certain things should be tried to satisfy one’s curiosity and not just for the sake of doing it. I believe that some relationships, both romantic and friendly, are meant to be. I believe that some relationships both romantic and friendly are meant to fail. I believe that there is something to be learned, no matter how small, from every experience. I believe that it takes us a long time to learn many of life’s lessons. I believe that one can know a lesson objectively, but not know it subjectively. I believe that the true teacher is experience, and that an objective lesson is more difficult, if not impossible to truly master. I believe that people worry too much about the way things should be, and forget to look at how things really are. I believe that people don’t think enough about the way things should be. I believe that life can be difficult and ruthless. I believe that life is the greatest experience of them all. I believe that the answer does not lie at one extreme or the other, but somewhere in the middle. I believe that mediation is always the answer. I believe that regret is worse than rejection. I believe you should not regret what does not happen. I believe that we all have the power to save humanity. I believe that humanity does not want to be saved. I believe that I have the power to change my life and the lives of others, for better or for worse, as I desire. I believe in love. I believe in hate. I believe in happiness. I believe in sadness. I believe in trust. I believe in caution. I believe in desire. I believe in apathy. I believe in man. I believe in believing in myself. I believe that I someday will.

He hands her the gloves and helps her put them on. He secures them tightly so that her wrists will not suffer any more than they need to. She bangs them together. She is ready. She assumes a defensive posture and throws him an experimental punch, bounces back with catlike dexterity, strikes again. There is finesse in her precise strikes, as each hit lands solidly and squarely on the part of his arm where it was intended. "Just let go," he says after a few swings. She increases the pace of her hits, hander, faster, more angry, more furious. In a moment she explodes into a series of hard punches, her entire body weight behind her every swing. This is probably not good for her wrists, but she pursues relentlessly ignoring the toll which her anger is taking upon her, pounding away, losing all finesse and precision, letting the fury overtake her. She starts yelling and screaming obscenities at him with every punch. He stands still and takes it, his arm beginning to become sore. "Hold on a minute," he says and switches arm. She gives him a few moments respite before beginning again with renewed fury and anger, fists flying, lips moving, mouth screaming, unleashing all her vengeance against fate which has disrupted the balance of an imperfect world. Her face contorts in anger, burning blood red, like a silhouette of fire wanting nothing more than to consume everything that has ever hurt her. It is impossible to know exactly what she is thinking, but the negative energy is leaving her, and he is absorbing it.

And then her punches grow weaker and she backs down, sweating slightly. He removes her gloves from her hands as she sits. "Thanks," She says in between heavy breaths. "That’s what friends are for," he replies with a smile.

Once upon a time in a land not so far away the people of the land decided to get together to decide how to solve some of the problems which had arisen over the course of the past four years. The people were bitterly divided on the solutions to many things, and a fierce debate ensued. What occurred exactly is entirely too complex for anyone to say, and the events will probably remain shrouded in mystery forever. What we are certain of however, is that both sides fell in behind certain leaders who’s vision of the future more or less coincided with their own. After much debate, both civil and bitter, votes were cast and much to nobody’s surprise the people opted for the more adventurous route. “May we live in interesting times!” they cried. Indeed the next four years will be interesting for everyone including the land’s neighbors. If anything we won’t be bored.

I love economics. It allows us to create simple worlds with simple assumptions and simple people which bring us to complex solutions in an attempt to explain the way things really are in the world. The fact of the matter is that we are useless. No one listens to what we say unless it suits them, and none of us have the ability to put into practice any of what we learn in this crazy crazy world. The best we can do is live day by day and watch the world make its decisions. Man indeed, is a complex beast far beyond the reach of simple theories and mathematics. We can spend an entire lifetime trying to understand them, and yet time and time again, they never cease to surprise us. I guess this is one of the things that makes man beautiful, our ignorance, our intelligence, our hatred, our desire to do good. Everyone has a different image of how the world should be, and everyone has a different idea of how to get there. Some people become so obsessed with their visions that they try and ram it down the throats of other people, sometimes violently. I am guilty in that my own opinion does not coincide with other people’s, but I am graceful even in defeat, and acquiesce peacefully to the decisions of the land. I am no patriot after all. Most people are far more obsessed with the land than myself. It is clear to me, and most of the people living abroad, that there is something which we are not getting. From the outside the choice seems obvious to me, perhaps this is because I’ve been gone so long and have not a subjective viewpoint. I can only hope that I am indeed short sighted, and that the others have it right. Unfortunately I have faith in my own wisdom. Man is stubborn. So am I.