Nostalgia and regret are two of life’s most bitter opponents.

I have regrets.

I regret not having stayed friends with certain people, or rather allowing myself to become distant from certain elements of my past became I was ashamed. I miss certain feelings. I wonder what they are doing now. I beg forgiveness. It matters not.

I regret not having had certain foresight in some situations. Or rather not facing myself and the truths which I knew to be true but wasn’t ready to accept. I wish I had been more mature in some situations. It would have saved me, and many people who were in my entourage at the time, a certain amount of pain. I have made myself out to be an asshole in several situations due to my selfishness and my lack of foresight. I beg forgiveness. It matters not.

I regret women who offered to share themselves with me. Good people I liked, but was too intimidated to act on because I was naïve and frightened by what I might discover about myself. I wish I had been more brave and adventuresome. I wish I knew then what I now know. I wish I had had more tact in my refusals. I hurt people. I beg forgiveness. It matters not.

I regret not spending more time with my parents. I grew afraid when we began to drift apart and I have on some occasions been insensitive and judgmental. I have taken them for granted since they are always there and always be there. I assume too much. I beg forgiveness. It matters not.

I have put people who are close to me through useless immature drama and fits of naïve emotion. I have put mundane problems on the shoulders of people with issues far more important and real than my own. I have bored people, frustrated them, wasted their time, and been, by some, pushed away as a result. I beg forgiveness. It matters not.

I have become melodramatic again on occasion. I miss the past and fear the future. I have gimped my chances because I am too scared to act to save myself. I keep waiting for someone to dig me out of my pit. I am reluctant to do it myself. I beg forgiveness. It matters not.

However, in spite of all this I am learning, growing, shifting changing. I grow stronger every day, slowly steadily. I give thanks for this. It means the world to me.