Ellestor was peaceful land
Though many gods forsaken had
Let the land the life they live
And little care they did
Give unto the many things
And promises and dreams
Forgotten long throughout the age
And thus the length of time to gauge
Went on and on man many moons
Until the darkness did ensue
The field were long and green and true
The barely shone in afternoon
The peoples simple small and sane
Their children bright as colors gay
Knew not the woes of mortals sin
And there out tale it does begin
One morning bright there was a knight
Who many held un much regard
His hair was light his smile was bright
The crimson burn upon
Though Ellestor was peaceful land
Little knights and little deeds
Belittled little memories
Alas our hero hero true
Foresaw the evil did ensue
He strap his sword and fluffed his plume
To battle ride to battle tune
Which softly sang upon the winds
And then the darkness did begin
It came so sudden sudden wrath
The gods themselves they parted path
For Ellestor was peaceful quiet land
And none of them they ought to
It occurs to me as I am writing this that the vocabulary is quite lame and childish. The theme is one which I have ardently been attempting to address for I am a big big fan of the Arthurian, and for some reason I’m recalling a poem by Coleridge “Kubla Khan” one of my all time favorites. I really like poetry and I would like to write something really good someday, but none of my stuff measures up yet. Note to self. Less baby talk, more flowery embellishment. Keep some sense of rhythm and rhyme. Im gonna try doing another... Consider this one a failed attempt.
Monday, February 19, 2007
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4 comments:
It reminds me of The Legend of Zelda. ...I can hear S.O.A.D in my mind now. Thanks. It will be there all week.
The hurdle is your refusal to rewrite.
There is spontaneity to poetry but there is also much review.
I rather like the basis of this poem...but I think you need to keep going back to it. Not only to fix the syntax and grammar but also to think about what you are saying and what you think that you are saying.
Try reading the text as though you were not the one who wrote it. Then ponder how you could have done it better than the author ;)
Coleridge said that he wrote Kubla Khan when he awoke from a dream...but the Romantics most certainly worked at their craft.
It takes a lot of training to be spontaneous, clear and precise. We often forget that the Muses can only take us so far.
So what were you going for with this particular poem?
Ohh i'll rewrite, but i'm more tempted to scrap this particular attempt and try it again. The reason for this is that i didn't like the way this one was comming. I'll redo it... eventually...
I was trying to push an arthurian epic, but I felt like it flip-flopped like a bad children's story.
After taking I break I made another attempt which also went sideways from my original intention but neveretheless ended up much better than the first one.
I'm posting it above.
Well said.
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