It begins in the diaphragm. Like a pit, so vast that vertigo is felt when one ponders upon its nature. The sensation is kept in check only by practiced reason and sanity. A twisting feeling. A sense of urgency. There are barriers there. Walls that hold back an anguishing energy of complete despair and loss of control. At some times the barrier is weaker than at others. Sometimes a crack or two allows genuine fear to seep through, and the faster you try to plug the leak the more furious the boding sensation of pending doom grows. It dominates the entire body when it does. Breathing, motor skills, the head, the heart, the strength. You want to run, but you can’t. How do you hide from yourself? How do you conquer that which your mind plays against you? How can you win? What can you do but escape? Sleep! Yes, my dreams will liberate me yes it will, and I can run away into some corner where they won’t catch me! Yeah right. Ever heard of nightmares? Ohh shit! Ok, so I just have get my mind off it. If I can think of something else it will go away! But I can’t concentrate. I’m afraid. I feel like I’m dying! I don’t wanna cease to exist! I want to be like before! Take me back to before! Build the wall! Protect me! It’s horrible! Help me!

Drugs don’t help. Alcohol doesn’t either. Exercise? But I feel so weak! I can’t do it! I can’t handle it. I can’t deal. Everything is so depressing!

And then, just when it hits you hardest, you drown.

And then a hiccup, and then a sigh, and then a wail so profound. The flood. The remnants of the barrier gush unto the floor, unto your wiping hand. A handkerchief. A mess. And slowly but surely the barrier reasserts itself as you surrender to the emotion, stop fighting it. Accept it. Let it wash over you, like a storm.

And then when tears dry, and half the world’s Kleenex lies as your feet in an organic lump, pain subsides. Dreamless sleep. Suspension of consciousness. Disexistence.