For some reason these days I haven’t been in the mood to write much. It’s very frustrating when you have an online journal, but you start becoming afraid to post stuff about other people who might potentially be reading the blog. For the record I’m not referring to the regulars, but there is a lot of stuff I’ve wanted to rant about concerning various people who although have not yet run into this site, I still fear. Funny how that is. Private journals suck cause nobody reads em. Public journals limit what you can let out. Someone give me a human punching bag for a few days.

At this stage in my life I find myself poised for an unanticipated camping trip into the wilderness of Gaspesie. This trip excites me even though I’m not much of an outdoors person. It’s a way out of Montreal with people I love although I’m certain that the baby factor will prove to be a true test of my patience. In any case I’m looking forward to just sitting back and losing myself someplace for a few hours. Should be good, I think I deserve it for no reason in particular.

In retrospect, I feel melancholy this day, but due to causes which I shan’t divulge for the same reason stated above. If anything it prevents me from constantly bitching. I don’t like myself when I complain. There was a time when I used to withdraw myself into my depressions. There was a time when I used to think that it was the only beautiful thing about me. I was really a misguided romantic as a child. I’d like to think that I’ve evolved since then, but somehow I feel that this aspect of me will always be a part of who I am. In some ways this angers me for I do not like to be perpetually depressed when I am lonely. On the other hand I am somewhat proud of the adjective. However, I’m not a basket case and at the end of the day it’s reliving not to be going in that direction. Ultra romanticism is a destructive attribute to possess. It leads to manic depression and a greater collapse of oneself onto oneself. Fortunately I’ll never reach that stage due to my dependence on other human beings, more specifically my friends.

I feel something strong coming on. It’s been building for several months now. I don’t know what’s going to happen, but something in me is about to change. For some reason I am convinced that I am on the verge of some fundamental realization or truth which is going to eliminated one of my major problems permanently. I want it to happen, but I don’t know how or what to expect. I hope it will be positive. I am frustrated.

I want to scream as loud as I can. I want to cry so hard it hurts, and not care about who or what can hear me. I want to violently expel all the stress, hatred, sadness, all that is painful within me. I want it to hurt. I want to crawl out of a physically exhausting ordeal and sleep. I want to hurt someone. I’m afraid of myself.