Welcome back me. It’s good to be back. Ahh yes. As anticipated the trip to Northern Quebec turned out to be quite an episode of bizarre occurrences. Once again against all odds I have survived. I have been face to face with lions in Zimbabwe, I have touched coral in a cave in Fiji, I have walked the streets of the world largest cities, I have faked a twitch whilst a Mexican tourist was trying to catch a whale with his camera. Furthermore I am convinced that I have managed to achieve some small measure of enlightenment which I did not yet possess before my departure. I have been. I have lived. I have learned. Hai speke da henglish very well.

These past few days have taught me some fundamental truths. Firstly, mutant mosquitoes from Northern Quebec can survive in close to zero temperature weather. I’m talking Centigrade, although I wouldn’t be too surprised if the Fahrenheit rule worked as well. Secondly, I dislike defecations in areas where I can’t sit down and relax. A well prepared crap is a relieving, relaxing, and enjoyable experience, and I don’t care what you think you think, it’s bloody true, tabernac! Thirdly, if ever you find yourself in desperate desperate need, ask your friendly fireman. He will help you. Fourthly, a man’s patience is measured by a screaming baby issuing blood curling cries the likes of which make me repent all those peeled baby jokes I used to tell as a child… well almost.

Our trek took us to the villages of La Baie de la St. Catherine and Tadousac. They might as well be the same hamlet if not for the 500 yard wide river running through them, but as usual I digress. Tadousac is charming, small. The architecture old fashioned, painted with bright colors. The accent …. rustique, the people friendly, although there was a high density of tourists. La Baie de la St. Catherine is well, not much. In any case there are whales and everyone loves whales. It is a very humbling feeling to come across a 20 foot long creature. Males say size doesn’t matter. I say it does when you are faced with a living animal larger than you by umm say 12 times. I have achieved some small sense of humility. I doubt my friends will notice.

The camping spot was nice, empty, and infested with annoying flying creatures causing me to soak my clothes in repellent every 3 hours in order to keep myself unspoiled. The food was mostly basic in nature with a penchant for the woodsy flavor and entirely too much ash for my poor poor stomach to handle. I slept on an air mattress. Consensus… I am a city boy.

So after 5 days of abstinence from a shower, combined with heavily recycled clothing and Eau de la Antimoustique, I now know what it feels like to be a hippie. I don’t think I mastered the friendly stoner attitude though. In any case the shower I took last night, after my return, was on the verge of orgasmic. I am purged of my sins. I am pure again. God bless plumbing… I am a city boy.

But seriously. Tadousac is a cool town, and it’s too bad we didn’t have extra time to go deeper into the asshole of Quebec, however I look forward to that epic journey sometime in the future. Whales are kickass, incomprehensible Quebecer is charming and challenging to comprehend, water is awesome, rain is soothing, sun is Zen, wind is cool. Reminded me of Scotland.

And so I will close this somewhat dubious discourse with an enlightening quote from the Minister of Culture, who as Minister of Culture, is charged with the education and culturalization of our youth, “To all the Valkyries with tight twats awaiting me in the Halls of Valhalla.” Booyah.