‘Tears’, Django Reinhardt. a most excellent song, and one that I have begun an obsession with. I have reached the opinion that the best love songs are sung without words, but with soul. The human languages are not meat to describe complex emotions. A scream can relate true anguish, laughter can capture true joy, madness, anger. Words do not do them justice. I have heard music that does. It’s beautiful.

Back in line with the quest of self-improvement, I discovered recently through the excessive playing of videogames that self-esteem is better built whilst doing physical actives, and not necessarily by sitting for 10 hour chunks in front of a computer screen. In fact it, actually took me about three days to come to this realization, although I suspect that deep down, I knew it from the beginning.

The first step in building self-esteem starts with learning to love oneself. This means taking care of your body and hygiene. I am attempting to shower more regularly. I have decided to keep my facial hair relatively neat and trimmed. I am attempting to make myself smell good. I’m also trying to add to my limited wardrobe which is aimed more at comfort than style right now.

However the main issue comes with exercise. I am one of those people who is not only unsatisfied with the way that I look, but also of the opinion that my dissatisfaction can be cured. I am fully convinced that a physically attractive person lies beneath my lard. This may or may not be true, but the important thing is that I think this about myself regardless of other people’s opinions. Since I stand only to better myself, and my health, by losing a few pound I will do this, not for anyone else other than myself. This is the first time in my life that I have consciously decided to lose weight and exercise more from my own desire rather than a desire to impress someone or for someone else’s sake. I should also mention that there is something incredibly satisfying in working out. There are also all sort of positive advantages. This time I do it for me, not to impress, not to pickup chicks, not at the urging of the people around me.

Yesterday I played a hard game of badminton. It felt great. My ass is sore. Tomorrow night I think I’ll go swimming. I am one step closer to happiness. It may be that I am too concerned with esthetic things, but if that is what is bothering me for the time being it should be addressed. I am not satisfied. Satisfaction is within reach. It’s just a simple matter of gritting your teeth and going for it. It’s like quitting smoking. I used to tell people for years when I smoked that I did it because I liked it, and because I didn’t want to quit. I quit several times, mostly for other people at first, eventually for myself. I started again because people tend to become self destructive when they are depressed, and depressed I have been in the past. But as with all things, wallowing in self- worthlessness does indeed get boring and unfulfilling. I think I’m in the mood to try this positive outlook on life thing now, see where it takes me.